Mermen!!!! Here!!!!

Hello fellow humans!

Today is the day after Filmfour became a free channel on Sky, Telewest and Freeview. Last night I watched 'Lost In Translation' starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johannson.

I dunno whether any of you have seen it, but the storyline basically goes like this:

A man in Japan is bored.

A woman in Japan is bored.

They meet up, do nothing.

They become friends.

They do nothing.

They go home.

The End.

Paradoxically though, it is a fairly good film.

I'm sure the title of this piece shocked you a bit, but you have nothing to fear. The Mermen have not, as the subject suggests, risen from their salty pools to invade us lily-livered land lovers. The Mermen are ill-equipped to launch a ground invasion on dry land. They have neither the technology nor the fin dexterity to get themselves a deck chair let alone conquer the great cities of Metropolis, Gotham and Melton Mowbray.

The Cold War, however, goes on.

Year on year the great Krill farms in the Indian Ocean require more workers to keep them functioning, so the Mermen will continue to kidnap innocents as their slaves, forced to feed and massage the Krill until they are ready to be eaten.

CALLING ALL SEA CREATURES! CALLING ALL SEA CREATURES!!

Why eat Krill!?!?

The sea is littered with delicacies such as lobster, oyster, tuna, cod, and you lot eat Krill!

CALLING ALL KRILL!!!

You are doin' something wrong! You are at the bottom of the worlds biggest food chain! You have no defence mechanisms, no camouflage, whales eat you, shrimp eat you. Nothing doesn't eat you! This is not the way to stay healthy!

Newsflash! They eat you cos it is easy to eat you!!

If my staple diet was steak, but I had to hunt steak, catch it and cook it whilst all the while there were millions of burgers floating all around me wherever I went and all I had to do was open my mouth and walk in order to eat them, I'd go for the burgers every time!!

I suggest you gain some notoriety in the same manner as Islam has. Years ago Christians and Jews alike mocked their bearded Muslim colleagues. Lambasted as being boring, the Muslims sat at home pointing West, whilst everyone else was getting' drunk and shaving.

Nowadays, however, the world fears Islam. They command respect from all.

How did they achieve this aim.....massive overreactions of course!!

Someone does a cartoon of a Krill with a hat on? You smash them like a petrified onion! You parade outside parliament, threaten violence, launch Jihads, plant bombs, allsorts!

Someone writes a book about Krill being bad? You launch a worldwide search and then stone them to death in public!!

Now go! Fulfill your aquatic potential!

Anyway, that’s what makes me laugh about all these guys sayin' "Israel is embarking on a massively disproportionate overreaction to minor misdemeanours by Hezbollah!"

Er...hold on just one cotton pickin' minute!

So, someone draws a satirical cartoon with a picture of Mohammed meditating with a bomb on his head. This then leads to worldwide protests, violent riots, people being killed, and kids being dressed as suicide bombers!

Perfectly fine proportionate reaction. Great.

Israel is surrounded on all sides by organisations whose sole intention is to see that she is wiped off the face of the earth. These organisations then invade Israel and kidnap and kill soldiers and civilians. They then commence rocket bombardment of various northern Israeli cities.

Israel responds by attacking said organisations and the infrastructure that backs them up.

This is a disgusting breach of humanitarian law and a huge overreaction to boot!

Someone's got this all wrong.

That said, the Israeli's yesterday told everyone to get out of a village and then bombed the cars as they left. That's just being a wanker.

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