MY BRAIN TURNED INSIDE OUT AND PUBLISHED THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF THE INTERWEB

What is it with ITV sports presenters and witches noses?!?

Jim Rosethal and Gaby Logan have both got the most hooked noses ever!! Rumour has it that Gaby was seen using her conk down on the Rhine to fish for Carp, the only food that Andy Townsend will eat.

Also word on the street is that Jim doesn't sleep in a bed like your conventional hobgoblin, instead he hooks his nose onto his ceiling fan, turns it on and swings around the room like some flailing ragdoll, often booting room service in the face after he has ordered breakfast in bed...much to the pleasure of Ally McCoist who sits giggling in the corner drinking Meths.

The consummate professional grace of Steve Ryder tho is never diminished. The other four carry him round shoulder high on a throne made of pure expertise, timing and love. As he is placed in his seat in the studio, he is given the script via a magic eye puzzle which he deciphers and memorises in seconds.

Ah Steve...the Brad Pitt of Sports presentation!

Let's not forget the Beeb tho!

For the purposes of maintaining the fine equilibrium betwixt good and evil we shall discount Gavin Peacock, peace be upon him.

The best thing about the Beebs coverage is the plethora of guest stars that they periodically wheel out. Shearer, O'neill, Leonardo, Desailly, Dixon, Wright, the list is immense.

My favourite of the lot is Marcel Desailly!

The BBC must have a checklist with one GLARING error on!

Is he a national of a country participating in the World Cup? Check!

Is he an ex-World Cup winner? Check!

Do people in England know him? Check!

Right then that's it settled, ok Marcel if you'd just like to sign there....excellent Marcel, shall we celebrate?....."Quoi??"

The man can't speak ENGLISH!!!

Dixon mumbles along like a man whose had his lips glued together, Wrighty generally overexaggerates whilst slaggin' off Sven and name droppin' "Shaun!" every ten seconds, Leonardo is only there to excite and arouse the middle aged female contingent and O'Neill is just unbelievable.....the man's always RIGHT!!!!!!

No matter the situation, no matter the danger, who ya gonna call?!?!

The Ghostbusters are incoherent heroin addicts, with not even Bill Murray able to make a workable joke!!

He-Man is the homo-erotic fantasy of a lesbian Midwife!

And the police are too busy chasing down cartoonists who use their evil pencils to depict the RIDICULOUS scene of a Muslim with a bomb!!!?(Gasp)

I'm diallin' for O'Neill!!

Any problem and he will solve it! Get him out to the Middle East, get him out to N. Korea!!!!

Blimey! That was fun!

!WARNING! - If you are of a sensitive disposition, have any kind of heart condition or hold dear any Religious beliefs WHATSOEVER please do not read the rest of this page as the purpose of this joke is to cause maximum offence. It has no set script and its sole objective is to break through all Political Correctness barriers. Nothing in the below text is a portrayal of my views or opinions.  You read on at your own risk and have no right to come back at me with ridiculous claims like 'racism'\'sexism'\cripplism'! Take it as the joke it is and stop busying yourself with mindless claims of repression....TWAT!

Ever heard of a joke called 'The Aristocrats'....you have now.

So, a family walks into a talent agency and are immediately seen by the scout. The father, mother, son and daughter all stand there ready to begin.

The music starts and the daughter pulls a puppy from between her legs and lays it on the table. The Father then wanders over to the table, jacks up and then fucks his daughter out of the way. He then commences experiments on the puppy to find out how different poisons affect its tiny body. The Mother then emerges with a sledge hammer and smashes the dogs legs causing maximum pain and suffering, it is then discarded still twitching to the bin. The Daughter, meanwhile, has dressed as Mohammed and starts to masturbate with a nail bomb whilst her brother has on a skull cap and is rubbing himself on the Star of David. By now, Mother has draped her naked body with the American flag and is busy rubbing oil all over herself, the son is watching and his rubbing intensifies. The US Mom and Jewish son then make beautiful love, each second becoming more and more coated in precious oil.

They spy the Islamic daughter, scream "Die!" and begin to gang rape and beat her stealin' all she has in the process.

The father, whom has been out of site, then wheels himself in aboard his electric wheelchair mimicking the facial gurning of Prof. Steven Hawking all the while. The other three members of his family then turn the wheelchair upside down and take the hammer to his legs screaming "Can you feel that yet!? Can you feel it you freak!!!!!!??"

The son grabs a copy of The Bible which has been inside his trousers and starts stuffing the pages into his fathers mouth before setting fire to the pages and forcing his father to felate him.

The whole family then rise as one, daisy chain their way (in size order) up to the desk before all together, defecating on the scouts keyboard and slamming his face into it sending sweaty red faeces everywhere. The family stand back and take a bow.

The scout, a little breathless, says "Wow...um... what do you call it?"

The father then looks him dead in the eye and replies "The Aristocrats"

The End.