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In my book it categorically states that Frank Sinatra is not, as the media would have us believe, dead but is in fact commanding Hezbollah militants in South Lebanon, funding Hamas terrorist cells in the Gaza Strip and slippin' his length to anythin' in a Hijab!

Apparently, he first became a Muslim in 1974 when he met Mohammed Ali, Malcolm X and Michael Jackson in the bushes at a six year old girls birthday party. Reasons for their presence in the bushes are unclear, although rumour has it that Ali had planned to marry the child in an arranged ceremony later in the year. Unfortunately for Ali, the girl and her family rejected his advances and moved house to avoid him. The girl died three years later in an unrelated incident after being beaten to death with the Qu'ran and having the word 'Slag' written across her forehead with the tattered remains of her clitoris.

The fact that his Islamic brother had been rejected by a snivelling infidel enraged Sinatra and after a conversation with an Imam became a Thunder mentalist following storms and hurricanes all over the world spending million of dollars.

After 15 years of storm chasing Sinatra realised that he had misheard the Imam and soon became a fundamentalist.

From 1983 until 1997 he ran a terrorist training camp just south of Kandehar in Afghanistan, recruiting over 180 billion young muslims as Mujahadeen fighters. Training them in such vital skills as gun maintenance, bomb making and jive talk in classes he ran side by side with Sammy Davis Jnr, whom later quit in disgrace after being seen in photographs talking and laughing with a homosexual with not even the slightest attempt to cut his little gay face off.

It was at this camp that he met Mohammed Al-Zaqarwi, figurehead of Al-Qaeda

in Iraq. They became great friends and Sinatra became Hezbollah's weapons liaison officer to Iran. He used his great wealth to bargain with the Iranians swapping US owned Uranium for Katushya rockets and three magic beans. The fate of the beans is unknown although it is believed that they were time travel beans which allowed Sinatra to go back in time to force Hitler to commit atrocities against blacks and jews across Europe. This theory is backed up by extraordinary footage of Hitler humming 'Bad bad Leroy Brown' before taking the stage at the Nuremburg Rally in 1938, 20 years before the song was written.

There are also unsubstantiated rumours, so far voiced by no one, that when the Russians were performing their autopsy on Hitler's charred remains they found small traces of Sinatra's semen in his rectum. Apparently Josep Stalin confirmed this by sending an undercover spy to get DNA from the infant Sinatra. Ironically though, it was this spy who accidentally left his favourite jazz tape in the bedroom at the Sinatra home. This tape is thought by many to be the catalyst for Sinatra's love of music and his inspiration to be a singer in the first place.

After returning to the present day Sinatra travelled from Iran, through Syria to the Lebanon to command on the front line in his struggle against the West.

E-mail this to every person in the Universe. If we do, then we can find the current owner of the magic beans and send them back to remove the jazz tape thus preventing this whole sorry affair from starting in the first place.

Should the Sinatra family ever read this, I would ask that they refrain from suing or taking any other legal action because this is the result of various random electronic impulses created by nerve cells in my brain, my nerve cells have no money of their own, nor do they own any real estate or any stocks or shares. Therefore I believe that pursuing a case against these cells would not only be infantile but all in all a bit silly.

This passage is taken from ‘Stuff I done’ the auto-biography of Champion the wonder horse who sadly died on the 5th May 1882. He died suddenly and unexpectedly after a long illness, drug overdose and horrific car accident.

RIP.

(Upon reading this sentence you have agreed to contract cancer of the eye)

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