SYCOPHANT OR SICK OF ANT?!?! YOU DECIDE!

Oi!!! You!!!!

In order for my clever title to work, I needed (according to the teachings of Buddha) to know what sycophant actually meant.

Stupidly I entrusted this spot of dictionary-based research to the pant-wettingly moronic – Microsoft Word.

Its idiocy is no better illustrated than by the fact that it recommends I change the end of the sentence above to ‘pant wet & tingly moronic’. If this isn’t the very definition of irony (the Word definition is ‘to make love roughly and without the use of lubricant’) then I’ll eat the frozen genitals of a man whom, ironically, died of heat stroke.

Anyway, that nincompoop Word gave me two other options for words I could use instead of sycophant. These words were ‘flatterer’ and ‘toady’.

WHAT?!?! How are these two words connected?

My only hope is that by ‘flatterer’ they mean ‘a person who flatters’, rather than something that is ‘flatter’.

If the latter is the case I intend to launch a Holy War against Bill Gates and Microsoft. A war so great that no one will ever use incorrect words again, thus creating a world of perfect grammar where even small children are savagely beaten for the tiniest error!

I reckon Bill Gates got his know-how from aliens anyway! There’s no actual proof for this but by using my mind I have uncovered certain secrets known only to me.

FACT! – Bill Gates is actually only 13 inches tall. Remember that film ‘Inner Space’ where that scientist got shrunk down so he could enter the human body and defeat a virus from the inside? Well, it ain’t nothing to do with that.

FACT! – When Apollo 11 landed on the moon in 1969, Neil Armstrong found 3 miniscule fragments of glass. When these were returned to earth, NASA found them to be sections of Bill Gates glasses. Spookily, when computer imaging was used to determine which part of the lens the fragments came from, they were found to be the sections which would normally be used for viewing the breasts and genitals of an extremely obese woman. Even more worryingly, Gates’ mother weighs over 800lb and has to travel in a plane specially made to fit her bulk. Legend has it that it resembles a sausage dog that has eaten a beach ball.

FACT! – Women in Uzbekistan are required by law to wear a Bill Gates face mask at all times. At birth they are issued with a set of fake glasses, prosthetic nose and moustache which they wear until they reach puberty at which point they are given their Bill Gates face mask as a sign of maturity.

The reasons for this are steeped in mystery although it is thought that ancient Muslims believed that a man would be born to this earth with a face so horrifying that no sane man would dare even contemplate the thought of using their hands to pleasure him! The women therefore use the masks as protection against r@pists and over-sexed man-beasts so intent on love-making that they’d cut off their todgers and post them to a v@gina if they could! (They can’t, the Uzbeki postal system is awful.)

FACT! – Idiotic and obviously incorrect statements are given huge credence merely by putting the word ‘FACT!’ in big letters in front of them. This tactic has most recently used by Tony Blair when he stated that there is no war in the Middle East and it is, in fact, a cruel joke played by the media using footage of the Hollywood Blockbuster ‘Three Kings’ – FACT!

This message will self-destruct in 6 billion years!!!

(Prove me wrong)