Twigg-let

There is a woman in my office here who works for **...called ********...who is... basically... a freak.

I don’t mean this in an overtly harsh way as it’s more of a statement of fact than an insulting tirade of abuse against a defenceless foe.

I like the phrase “I would never enter into a battle of wits with you as it is against my morals to attack an unarmed man.”

That, you can interpret as an insult...if a truthful one.

I digress...

To give you background, she’s a short, South African woman with an explicitly aggressive nature.

She is approx. 40 years old and has hair so grey that she has to dye it a better shade of grey. She cannot dye it any other colour because its undeniable greyness shines through. Another reason is that her hair is so unbelievably dry that the only colouring it would support would be creosote and that tends to smell.

Ladies Tips 1# - Ladies should not smell like a shed.

Years of UV related abuse at the hands of her home solarium have given her skin the same texture as sandpaper and rendered it so devoid of elasticity that should the unthinkable happen and she choose to smile it takes 38 minutes for her face to fall back into it’s natural shape.

She is also a horrendous racist and animal lover.

She once regaled us with a story of how her friends and her would drive around Johannesburg trying to hit things with her car. Ten points for mailboxes, 25 points for lawn furniture and 100 points for a “kaffa”.

Kaffa is white African slang for a black person.

To put the above into context, a few months ago Andy hit a deer with his car. It jumped out at him from the woods adjoining the road and leapt straight into the windscreen of the car at point blank range. The impact caused a massive amount of damage to the car and Andy was lucky to escape uninjured. Deers kill a surprising amount of people in RTA’s in the UK each year. They are notoriously reckless drivers.

When Andy had limped into work in his replacement car and had told us the tale of his brush with death, he was immediately leapt upon and labelled of all things...a murderer!

This was because he didn’t return to the deer and try to resuscitate it.

What did she expect him to do?! Run back down the road, check Bambies airways, breathing and circulation before putting him in the recovery position and holding his hoof while waiting for the air ambulance?!?!

“Hold on! Hold on just a bit longer! I’ve called and help will be along soon.....no, don’t try and talk conserve your energy! You’re gonna be ok!!”

All this coming from a woman who, if she is to be believed, actively searched out human beings to run down, chosen simply on the colour of their skin so as to set a new record in a demented and bigoted points system which she and her cohorts had developed!?

This is the kind of person who I have to sit with in an office everyday...cry for me.

Ok, so I think I’ve given you a pretty thorough background to the subject on which this story is focused.

I’ve done this at length and, I feel, rendered the account in question irrelevant but I’ll continue any case...

For the last few days she’s been hobbling around like a woman so afflicted by leprosy that even if Jesus was a goalkeeper he couldn’t save her.

Initially, at the start of the week, it started with a cough. That then progressed to claims of a severely sore throat and that was then followed by a degradation of the voice box so distinct that, on occasion, it sounded like a Louis Armstrong/Mariah Carey duet.

All this took place over the course of about 25 minutes.

The days following have been nothing short of hilarious.

Depending on who you are she chooses her level of illness accordingly. If you are in no way related to her field of work she sounds completely normal and will chat along as if she’s getting paid by the word.

If you are...well...things are somewhat different.

If Rod Stewart had asthma and was required to wear a Darth Vader mask he still wouldn’t hold a candle to Twiggs!

Seriously, I have heard people who require electronic vocal chord readers who sound better!

Either she has succumbed to a particularly aggressive but temporary form of throat cancer or she’s putting it on.

Then this morning she made the ridiculous claim that she “really should be in bed” but has come in anyway!

She’s playing the hero card! She’s acting like a ‘Nam’ veteran who, although terribly injured, has returned to the firing line to rescue a fallen comrade!

“I’m comin’ Bubba!!”

It’s not that I don’t like her.......oh no....wait.....that’s exactly what it is!!