1 post tagged “elderly”
You know when you wanna talk about someone’s Nan but you have a sneaking suspicion that she might be dead.
I hate that. It’s such a difficult situation ain’t it!?
You’re never gonna keep tabs on whose Nan is dead and whose is alive are you!
I think the only time you really know is when you’re attending the funeral of your friends Nan. You can be pretty sure then.
Otherwise you’d have to devise some kind of tally chart for your bedroom wall!
The trouble with that is that if the police raid your house it has that kind of “Death List” air about it. Especially seeing as everyone that’s ticked off it is dead! They’ll instantly view you as some kind of Harold Shipman character, rather than the social retard you are.
But that’s the least of your worries...just wait til they find all that child porn.
Anyway, so Nans...What the bloody hell are they goin’ on about now?!?
Not content with bein’ mildly racist and displaying a frightening tendency towards wool, now they’re slaggin’ off the modern world!
“It’s too dangerous nowadays!”
“You don’t feel safe on the streets!”
“What if I get raped?”
...Shut up you old coot!!! Who’s gonna want to forcibly enter you?! With your flapping curtains and muff like a weeping willow?!? Who?!?!...
They had crime in their day too, although the way they tell it, it’s like the world was in some strange temporary utopian state between 1920 and 1968.
“Of course in the old days muggers didn’t stab you and take your money at all! They simply charmed you into an alley where they shined your shoes, gave you a polished Shilling and a hearty handshake before wishing you well on your onward journey!”
That’s all very well ‘old bean’ and although I don’t believe it, on this occasion I am willing to accept your Alzheimer’s-affected word for it, but all you’re giving me is problems! Don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions!
What is the cause for this degradation of behaviour?? And if you say anything about ‘blacks’ or anything else racist, so help me I’ll twist this marmalade lid on so tight you’ll have to wait until your son comes round in June to get at it!
And it’s that one you like, with the rind!!!
Discipline?!?!? Discipline?!?!?
There’s no hypocrite like an old hypocrite!
You expect me to whack a small child about the knees should he dare be heard rather then seen and yet you’ve put milk in the kettle again and I so much as touch you and it’s “No! Not the face!” or “Ow! You broke my arm!!”
Yeah, I did break your arm...cos it’s like wrestling a poppadom! Don’t blame me! Blame Osteoporosis!!
Seriously, how can you blame me when I’ve seen you break a finger by pointing at a sponge!?!?
Oh...here we go....Immigration!?!?
“They’re stealin’ my jobs!” – What?!? You haven’t worked for twenty six years!? And the last five years of that was part-time in your sisters bakery!
How are they stealin’ your jobs?!?
“They’re stealin’ my handbag!” – Ok. While I recognise that statistically there are many more people from ethnic minorities currently held at Her Majesty’s Pleasure (% by population) than British born whites, I also recognise that statistically most paedophiles are elderly white men....STRING ‘EM ALL UP!!!
See...stereotypin’....it’s crazy!
Plus they’re so good at it...would you tell a bird not to fly?....then don’t tell a black man not to steal...
“They’re stealin’ my country and thus my dignity!” – Your dignity!? You are bathed every day by an Indian woman whose name you don’t know in a bath with a door. Every day this is a surprise.
You only know you’ve dirtied your new incontinence pants because a man tells you you have and everything you eat is the same consistency as porridge...except for the porridge which has the same consistency as sh!t....and they’re stealin’ your dignity...hmmm....
I think we’ve all learnt something here today.
I’ve learnt that while the elderly will prattle on all day about absolutely bollock-all, I can’t hold it against them because I do exactly the same.
I’ve learnt that while some groups are different from others we shouldn’t fight amongst ourselves and, instead, should embrace the rich diversity that the human race displays.
...and most importantly I’ve learnt that so long as you finish a passage of writing with a moral and heart-warming message of global love you can get away with absolutely anything....even slaggin’ someones dead Nan!!
...Enjoy yourselves...and each other....
Pan
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