1 post tagged “panic room”

Last night, I exposed myself (not in that way... well, kinda in that way) to the wonders of a show on at 9.00pm on BBC3. It was the first time I’d ever seen it, although I intend to make 100% sure that it is not the last. It was hilarious!!

It, basically, consisted of two people with irrational fears being exposed to these fears repeatedly until they just can’t be bothered to be scared anymore.

The show’s called Panic Room and you soon see why.

Contestant Number one was Ruth. Ruth was one of those people who, if you were to see a bust photo of them, you would assume that she was chubby but not gargantuan, but whom upon the disclosure of the rest of her it was hard not to feel physically sick.

Her legs and buttocks were so encapsulated by lard that it was impossible to imagine that they could possibly contain the mechanism for her locomotion. She was decidedly bottom heavy, her centre of gravity must have been lower than a limbo-dancers basement freezer. She would most certainly wobble, but would never, ever, fall down.

The show starts with her description of how the phobia affects her life and how she can barely leave the house. She is scared of snakes.

Wait a minute... you live in England... when was the last time you saw a snake!?!?

She endlessly bemoaned the fact that she can’t go where she wants because of her fears!?

Where do you wanna go!??! Reptile Houses??!! Pet Shops?!?! Cos if so, you need to rethink the places you visit?!

Paul: “Hey Ruth! Me and the kids are heading down to Anacondaland, wanna come?”

Ruth (sobbing): “Why must you always torment me with this Paul?!”

Anyway, she was the borin’ one out of the two! They pretty much gave her a snake and she just said, “I suppose they ain’t that bad, eh?”, before kissing the snake and runnin’ off to start a new life with it.

Paul wished he’d never teased her. The kids miss their mum.

Contestant Number two was the brilliantly terrified Gareth.

As soon as you laid eyes on Gareth you could tell that he was probably not quite all there.

This initial impression was confirmed when he opened his mouth. “Fish!?” he exclaimed as a look of absolute disgust caused his face to twist and contort in a way not dissimilar to the way a small childs face would were they force fed a lemon.

“Fish!? Errghh!!!! They’re disgustin’!!!”

His thick Welsh accent made him sound simple... it didn’t need to.

“I even seen people eatin’ fish!! Why would you do that? They come from the sea!!!?” he cried as though perhaps this fact had slipped all of our minds.

“The sea is stinkin’!!!”

Again, Gareth regaled us with stories about how his fear of fish keeps him prisoner in his own home. The highlight was his admission that whilst on stage in his weekend capacity as club singer, he would often, upon seeing that his audience were eating fish, vomit, on stage, half way through his set! Who hired this guy?!? Who hired him a second time?!?

The fellow’s tasked with entertaining a room full of eating patrons and he’s up on stage blowin’ chunks!?!

At some point, you’d have to say that you’d made the wrong career choice! I mean, what’s next for him... Fish monger?!?! Scuba diver?!?!

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

If you can’t stand fish, then get your dumb @rse out of the aquarium fool! Do not pass go, do not purchase novelty fish t-shirt from the gift shop!! I said DON’T!!!

As I said, the premise of Panic Room is to expose these cowardly custards to whatever it is that makes them go weak at the knees/bladder.

The ‘victim’ is frog-marched into a room, the inside of which is covered in TV screens. The screens then spew a 5 minute clip of the fear depicting varying levels of perceived threat – as much as this is possible with clips of fish.

Gareth did not much enjoy his experience in the panic room. The first image was that of a cartoon fish. It looked likely to do nothing other than burst into the chorus of ‘Under the Sea’ from ‘The Little Mermaid’. This image caused Gareth to shake uncontrollably for its entire duration.

Gareth appeared to believe his ordeal was over when he looked up at the screen again and immediately vomited all over the floor of the panic room. The screens depicted the scene of a man eating fish and chips.

After being brought round, Gareth was led off to be hypnotised. Even under hypnosis he heaved at every mention of the dreaded ‘F’ word. It did seem to help though. His therapist gave him a toy fish to acclimatise him to the site of it and soon enough they were best of friends. They were inseparable. The following was pretty much a montage of Gareth and fish havin’ a great time together.

Images of them walking hand in hand on the beach, runnin’ through poppy fields and laughing hysterically while playin’ Xbox 360 were supported by the background music ‘You gotta friend’. It was quite beautiful.

The two were cured of their phobias and they were free to walk around their home towns free in the knowledge that in the likely event of a fish or snake pouncing on them from behind Tesco’s basket rack, they would be able to cope and probably even befriend their assailant.

Thanks Panic Room!!

PAN