8 posts tagged “random”

Oi!!! You!!!!

In order for my clever title to work, I needed (according to the teachings of Buddha) to know what sycophant actually meant.

Stupidly I entrusted this spot of dictionary-based research to the pant-wettingly moronic – Microsoft Word.

Its idiocy is no better illustrated than by the fact that it recommends I change the end of the sentence above to ‘pant wet & tingly moronic’. If this isn’t the very definition of irony (the Word definition is ‘to make love roughly and without the use of lubricant’) then I’ll eat the frozen genitals of a man whom, ironically, died of heat stroke.

Anyway, that nincompoop Word gave me two other options for words I could use instead of sycophant. These words were ‘flatterer’ and ‘toady’.

WHAT?!?! How are these two words connected?

My only hope is that by ‘flatterer’ they mean ‘a person who flatters’, rather than something that is ‘flatter’.

If the latter is the case I intend to launch a Holy War against Bill Gates and Microsoft. A war so great that no one will ever use incorrect words again, thus creating a world of perfect grammar where even small children are savagely beaten for the tiniest error!

I reckon Bill Gates got his know-how from aliens anyway! There’s no actual proof for this but by using my mind I have uncovered certain secrets known only to me.

FACT! – Bill Gates is actually only 13 inches tall. Remember that film ‘Inner Space’ where that scientist got shrunk down so he could enter the human body and defeat a virus from the inside? Well, it ain’t nothing to do with that.

FACT! – When Apollo 11 landed on the moon in 1969, Neil Armstrong found 3 miniscule fragments of glass. When these were returned to earth, NASA found them to be sections of Bill Gates glasses. Spookily, when computer imaging was used to determine which part of the lens the fragments came from, they were found to be the sections which would normally be used for viewing the breasts and genitals of an extremely obese woman. Even more worryingly, Gates’ mother weighs over 800lb and has to travel in a plane specially made to fit her bulk. Legend has it that it resembles a sausage dog that has eaten a beach ball.

FACT! – Women in Uzbekistan are required by law to wear a Bill Gates face mask at all times. At birth they are issued with a set of fake glasses, prosthetic nose and moustache which they wear until they reach puberty at which point they are given their Bill Gates face mask as a sign of maturity.

The reasons for this are steeped in mystery although it is thought that ancient Muslims believed that a man would be born to this earth with a face so horrifying that no sane man would dare even contemplate the thought of using their hands to pleasure him! The women therefore use the masks as protection against r@pists and over-sexed man-beasts so intent on love-making that they’d cut off their todgers and post them to a v@gina if they could! (They can’t, the Uzbeki postal system is awful.)

FACT! – Idiotic and obviously incorrect statements are given huge credence merely by putting the word ‘FACT!’ in big letters in front of them. This tactic has most recently used by Tony Blair when he stated that there is no war in the Middle East and it is, in fact, a cruel joke played by the media using footage of the Hollywood Blockbuster ‘Three Kings’ – FACT!

This message will self-destruct in 6 billion years!!!

(Prove me wrong)

What is it with ITV sports presenters and witches noses?!?

Jim Rosethal and Gaby Logan have both got the most hooked noses ever!! Rumour has it that Gaby was seen using her conk down on the Rhine to fish for Carp, the only food that Andy Townsend will eat.

Also word on the street is that Jim doesn't sleep in a bed like your conventional hobgoblin, instead he hooks his nose onto his ceiling fan, turns it on and swings around the room like some flailing ragdoll, often booting room service in the face after he has ordered breakfast in bed...much to the pleasure of Ally McCoist who sits giggling in the corner drinking Meths.

The consummate professional grace of Steve Ryder tho is never diminished. The other four carry him round shoulder high on a throne made of pure expertise, timing and love. As he is placed in his seat in the studio, he is given the script via a magic eye puzzle which he deciphers and memorises in seconds.

Ah Steve...the Brad Pitt of Sports presentation!

Let's not forget the Beeb tho!

For the purposes of maintaining the fine equilibrium betwixt good and evil we shall discount Gavin Peacock, peace be upon him.

The best thing about the Beebs coverage is the plethora of guest stars that they periodically wheel out. Shearer, O'neill, Leonardo, Desailly, Dixon, Wright, the list is immense.

My favourite of the lot is Marcel Desailly!

The BBC must have a checklist with one GLARING error on!

Is he a national of a country participating in the World Cup? Check!

Is he an ex-World Cup winner? Check!

Do people in England know him? Check!

Right then that's it settled, ok Marcel if you'd just like to sign there....excellent Marcel, shall we celebrate?....."Quoi??"

The man can't speak ENGLISH!!!

Dixon mumbles along like a man whose had his lips glued together, Wrighty generally overexaggerates whilst slaggin' off Sven and name droppin' "Shaun!" every ten seconds, Leonardo is only there to excite and arouse the middle aged female contingent and O'Neill is just unbelievable.....the man's always RIGHT!!!!!!

No matter the situation, no matter the danger, who ya gonna call?!?!

The Ghostbusters are incoherent heroin addicts, with not even Bill Murray able to make a workable joke!!

He-Man is the homo-erotic fantasy of a lesbian Midwife!

And the police are too busy chasing down cartoonists who use their evil pencils to depict the RIDICULOUS scene of a Muslim with a bomb!!!?(Gasp)

I'm diallin' for O'Neill!!

Any problem and he will solve it! Get him out to the Middle East, get him out to N. Korea!!!!

Blimey! That was fun!

!WARNING! - If you are of a sensitive disposition, have any kind of heart condition or hold dear any Religious beliefs WHATSOEVER please do not read the rest of this page as the purpose of this joke is to cause maximum offence. It has no set script and its sole objective is to break through all Political Correctness barriers. Nothing in the below text is a portrayal of my views or opinions.  You read on at your own risk and have no right to come back at me with ridiculous claims like 'racism'\'sexism'\cripplism'! Take it as the joke it is and stop busying yourself with mindless claims of repression....TWAT!

Ever heard of a joke called 'The Aristocrats'....you have now.

So, a family walks into a talent agency and are immediately seen by the scout. The father, mother, son and daughter all stand there ready to begin.

The music starts and the daughter pulls a puppy from between her legs and lays it on the table. The Father then wanders over to the table, jacks up and then fucks his daughter out of the way. He then commences experiments on the puppy to find out how different poisons affect its tiny body. The Mother then emerges with a sledge hammer and smashes the dogs legs causing maximum pain and suffering, it is then discarded still twitching to the bin. The Daughter, meanwhile, has dressed as Mohammed and starts to masturbate with a nail bomb whilst her brother has on a skull cap and is rubbing himself on the Star of David. By now, Mother has draped her naked body with the American flag and is busy rubbing oil all over herself, the son is watching and his rubbing intensifies. The US Mom and Jewish son then make beautiful love, each second becoming more and more coated in precious oil.

They spy the Islamic daughter, scream "Die!" and begin to gang rape and beat her stealin' all she has in the process.

The father, whom has been out of site, then wheels himself in aboard his electric wheelchair mimicking the facial gurning of Prof. Steven Hawking all the while. The other three members of his family then turn the wheelchair upside down and take the hammer to his legs screaming "Can you feel that yet!? Can you feel it you freak!!!!!!??"

The son grabs a copy of The Bible which has been inside his trousers and starts stuffing the pages into his fathers mouth before setting fire to the pages and forcing his father to felate him.

The whole family then rise as one, daisy chain their way (in size order) up to the desk before all together, defecating on the scouts keyboard and slamming his face into it sending sweaty red faeces everywhere. The family stand back and take a bow.

The scout, a little breathless, says "Wow...um... what do you call it?"

The father then looks him dead in the eye and replies "The Aristocrats"

The End.

Question: Is my Steve Irwin impression going to be considered inappropriate now that he is deceased?!

“He died doin’ what he loved best” said a friend this mornin’. I presume he was talking about f*ckin’ around wiv animals rather than getting stabbed thru the chest!

“Steve just loved stickin’ sharp things thru his chest, I suppose it was inevitable that he would hit his heart some day!”

Personally, I think it was an organised hit sorted out by the animal council. Much in the same way as Britain recently took over presidency of the European Union, the reptiles have in the last month seized control of the animal council.

The apes had expected another landslide victory in the animalections but suspicions arose as the marsupial vote switched suddenly to the Green right after the kidnapping of a koala by a boa constrictor. The fish vote has never been in doubt as 100% reptile, which has led to the rumours that are circulating today.
Stingrays have often been a favourite choice for any marine assassinations carried out by the reptiles. The last victim was Robert Maxwell who was killed when a stingray leapt aboard his yacht and after a brutal struggle plunged his poisonous tail into his fat neck before hopping overboard taking his kill with him.

It is believed that Maxwells body now stands in Neptune Square in the Bikini atoll, home of the marine parliament building as a warning to humans that the battle for the sea is not over yet. Many people protested when the French “tested” their nuclear weapons in the atoll. Of course we now know that were it not for this pre-emptive attack, the fish would have succeeded in their plan to smash all the main dams of the world, thus flooding all land leaving us at a severe disadvantage in the war of the world.

Steve Irwin was one of the main protagonists of this war, often going behind enemy lines to kidnap and question key players in the reptile hierarchy, quizzing them in his “zoo” (prison) and showing his dominance by constantly wrestling them for human amusement. The humiliation of former Reptile president – Lord Freshwater – was believed to have been the final straw. Both the Retiles and Fish governments have denied responsibility for the attack, but refuse to condemn those who planned and carried it out.

Legendary detectives Sharky and George have been handed the case. A statement from the pair said “We currently have a few witnesses to talk to, and of course we still have to carry out forensics on the wound. We are hopeful of capturing the assailant.”

The first officer on the scene was quoted as saying “There is definitely something a bit fishy about this.”

The case continues….

Is it a monster!?!

Is it a monster?!

No, it’s a group of armed Islamic militants so hell bent on the destruction of the West that they’d gladly give their own lives in order to massacre a few meaningless Infidels!

Oh right, well….just so long as it isn’t a monster.

I could go on for the next hour about how, in a way, it is a monster, but a monster that resides in the psyche of all Muslims who believe that they are in the midst of a cosmic battle which will only be complete when the entire world is one huge Islamic Super-state, but it’d be WELL borin’!

We don’t want people fallin’ asleep at their desks, hitting their head against the keyboard, inadvertently typing “I hate (insert your bosses name here)!” with their face and getting’ the sack now do we?

Boring well known fact – The Qu’ran says that you can not drink alcohol.

Exciting lesser known fact – The Qu’ran says that you can smoke green.

Confusing pseudo-fact – Every copy of the Qu’ran sold since 1973 contains 5 sheets of roach card to represent the 5 pillars of Islam and the word ‘Rizla’ actually derives from the Islamic ‘Al Riiz’ which means ‘to lung-fcuk’.

In fact, in the earlier days of Sharia law being stoned to death was actually one of the most honourable ways to die and involved no throwing of stones but instead the smoking of a bong so big that it doubled as a mosque.

I like Muslims though.

No, I do, honestly!! I know I rant like I’m standing for UKIP in the next elections but I’m not talking about moderate Muslims, only these mentalists that want to wage war on civilians in the most cowardly way possible. If Osama wants people blown up, why doesn’t he make the sacrifice that he encourages his followers to make? If he is the great warrior-prince bravely standing up to Western oppression, why is he cowering in a cave somewhere, only speaking to people via audio cassettes posted in secret to sympathetic TV channel, Al-Jazeera.

I’ll tell you why, cos he’s a liar, a coward and he’s only in it for himself. All he is the second most effective recruitment sergeant for Radicalised Islam. Who is the first you may ask…..well it’s kind of a tie between Bush, Blair and a hareem of others.

“Bush?!? Blair!?!? This is preposterous!!!” Cry buffoons everywhere!

The rest of this e-mail would be removed if I went on so I won’t. (Unlucky Echelon/MI5/MI6)

You know what I’m on about…..

I had better go….something’s just coming over the hill…

Love to all!

…it ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it,

it ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it,

That’s what gets results!!!

I beg to differ!

I reckon this song could be misconstrued, by loonies, as suggesting that you should become the angel of death and kill all your family and friends, but just so long as you do it in the right way!

History proves this song to be the mindless babbling of an elderly crackwhore. Just look at my one example from the entirety of history that proves it!!

Nelson Mandela.

What did he do? – Abolish Apartheid and free the black citizens of South Africa and the world.

How did he do it? – He commanded what would now be called a ‘terrorist cell’, carrying out bombings, beatings and murders to achieve his goal.

Which of the above truths is publicised the most? Which did you know about? Was he a hero or a villain?

Who cares!?!?! It’s the song we’re talkin’ about!!

Nelson proves that, in his case at least, it was what he did that mattered and not how he did it.

What follows below underneath is an extract from Nelson’s private diaries which I stole from him when he came round my house for crumpets at 11:25:53am on the 21st November 2004. He was a belligerent racist with sweaty hands and a huge birthmark in the shape of a vaglna then, but what was he like before…..

July 12th 1961:

I have come to realise that I am a belligerent racist with sweaty hands and a birthmark in the shape of a vaglna!

Ok, ok….so the first question has been answered but maybe if we read on we can find out even more….

(You have no choice in this)

July 13th 1961:

I met the most beautiful girl in the world today! She’s short, round and a little bit hairy.

She reminds me of Mum.

I was in the underground lair plotting more ways that I can create devastation for the white devil, when something caught my eye in the street periscope. It was her.

I ran up the down escalator, caught my breath and then chased her down the street. As I caught up I saw she was with a white man, so I pulled back. As I walked past her she smelt like honey.

I couldn’t help myself…I stole her purse.

When I got home I went through it and found out her name – Winnie.

July 14th 1961:

Last night after we last spoke, I put on the gloves that I found in Winnie’s purse. I touched myself for three hours. Afterwards the guys came over, it was so embarrassing! They walked in just as I had tucked my banana between my legs and started to make kissy faces in the mirror. They laughed until they shlt themselves and then they r@ped me. It was great.

This is borin’! Nelson didn’t ‘alf go on a bit in his younger days!

To cut a long story short it turned out that the girl was in fact Winnie the Pooh, the white man was Christopher Robin, there was a vicious love triangle. Nelson murdered Christopher Robin by bludgeoning him to death with a butt plug, the media had a field day, Piglet was devastated, yadda, yadda, yadda…

The moral of this story is:

Don’t play the race card! If you do, we’ll fuk your black arse up!

NOTE TO POLITICALLY CORRECT BOREDOM MONGERS:-

If you didn’t like the last sentence, I suggest you fcuk off and read an e-mail sent by Delia Smith or a member of the clergy! NEWSFLASH: IT’S A JOKE! If you stick around reading my e-mails you’ll probably read stuff about homosexuality, religion, invalids (the disabled), paedophilia, different races, I’ll probably cuss your Mum and your Nan in the most vile and derogatory of ways creating vivid images in your head that’ll most likely lead you to become insane with a rage so consuming that you’ll gladly fcuk the very midwife that delivered you! The Swine!!

In my book it categorically states that Frank Sinatra is not, as the media would have us believe, dead but is in fact commanding Hezbollah militants in South Lebanon, funding Hamas terrorist cells in the Gaza Strip and slippin' his length to anythin' in a Hijab!

Apparently, he first became a Muslim in 1974 when he met Mohammed Ali, Malcolm X and Michael Jackson in the bushes at a six year old girls birthday party. Reasons for their presence in the bushes are unclear, although rumour has it that Ali had planned to marry the child in an arranged ceremony later in the year. Unfortunately for Ali, the girl and her family rejected his advances and moved house to avoid him. The girl died three years later in an unrelated incident after being beaten to death with the Qu'ran and having the word 'Slag' written across her forehead with the tattered remains of her clitoris.

The fact that his Islamic brother had been rejected by a snivelling infidel enraged Sinatra and after a conversation with an Imam became a Thunder mentalist following storms and hurricanes all over the world spending million of dollars.

After 15 years of storm chasing Sinatra realised that he had misheard the Imam and soon became a fundamentalist.

From 1983 until 1997 he ran a terrorist training camp just south of Kandehar in Afghanistan, recruiting over 180 billion young muslims as Mujahadeen fighters. Training them in such vital skills as gun maintenance, bomb making and jive talk in classes he ran side by side with Sammy Davis Jnr, whom later quit in disgrace after being seen in photographs talking and laughing with a homosexual with not even the slightest attempt to cut his little gay face off.

It was at this camp that he met Mohammed Al-Zaqarwi, figurehead of Al-Qaeda

in Iraq. They became great friends and Sinatra became Hezbollah's weapons liaison officer to Iran. He used his great wealth to bargain with the Iranians swapping US owned Uranium for Katushya rockets and three magic beans. The fate of the beans is unknown although it is believed that they were time travel beans which allowed Sinatra to go back in time to force Hitler to commit atrocities against blacks and jews across Europe. This theory is backed up by extraordinary footage of Hitler humming 'Bad bad Leroy Brown' before taking the stage at the Nuremburg Rally in 1938, 20 years before the song was written.

There are also unsubstantiated rumours, so far voiced by no one, that when the Russians were performing their autopsy on Hitler's charred remains they found small traces of Sinatra's semen in his rectum. Apparently Josep Stalin confirmed this by sending an undercover spy to get DNA from the infant Sinatra. Ironically though, it was this spy who accidentally left his favourite jazz tape in the bedroom at the Sinatra home. This tape is thought by many to be the catalyst for Sinatra's love of music and his inspiration to be a singer in the first place.

After returning to the present day Sinatra travelled from Iran, through Syria to the Lebanon to command on the front line in his struggle against the West.

E-mail this to every person in the Universe. If we do, then we can find the current owner of the magic beans and send them back to remove the jazz tape thus preventing this whole sorry affair from starting in the first place.

Should the Sinatra family ever read this, I would ask that they refrain from suing or taking any other legal action because this is the result of various random electronic impulses created by nerve cells in my brain, my nerve cells have no money of their own, nor do they own any real estate or any stocks or shares. Therefore I believe that pursuing a case against these cells would not only be infantile but all in all a bit silly.

This passage is taken from ‘Stuff I done’ the auto-biography of Champion the wonder horse who sadly died on the 5th May 1882. He died suddenly and unexpectedly after a long illness, drug overdose and horrific car accident.

RIP.

(Upon reading this sentence you have agreed to contract cancer of the eye)

X

Hello fellow humans!

Today is the day after Filmfour became a free channel on Sky, Telewest and Freeview. Last night I watched 'Lost In Translation' starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johannson.

I dunno whether any of you have seen it, but the storyline basically goes like this:

A man in Japan is bored.

A woman in Japan is bored.

They meet up, do nothing.

They become friends.

They do nothing.

They go home.

The End.

Paradoxically though, it is a fairly good film.

I'm sure the title of this piece shocked you a bit, but you have nothing to fear. The Mermen have not, as the subject suggests, risen from their salty pools to invade us lily-livered land lovers. The Mermen are ill-equipped to launch a ground invasion on dry land. They have neither the technology nor the fin dexterity to get themselves a deck chair let alone conquer the great cities of Metropolis, Gotham and Melton Mowbray.

The Cold War, however, goes on.

Year on year the great Krill farms in the Indian Ocean require more workers to keep them functioning, so the Mermen will continue to kidnap innocents as their slaves, forced to feed and massage the Krill until they are ready to be eaten.

CALLING ALL SEA CREATURES! CALLING ALL SEA CREATURES!!

Why eat Krill!?!?

The sea is littered with delicacies such as lobster, oyster, tuna, cod, and you lot eat Krill!

CALLING ALL KRILL!!!

You are doin' something wrong! You are at the bottom of the worlds biggest food chain! You have no defence mechanisms, no camouflage, whales eat you, shrimp eat you. Nothing doesn't eat you! This is not the way to stay healthy!

Newsflash! They eat you cos it is easy to eat you!!

If my staple diet was steak, but I had to hunt steak, catch it and cook it whilst all the while there were millions of burgers floating all around me wherever I went and all I had to do was open my mouth and walk in order to eat them, I'd go for the burgers every time!!

I suggest you gain some notoriety in the same manner as Islam has. Years ago Christians and Jews alike mocked their bearded Muslim colleagues. Lambasted as being boring, the Muslims sat at home pointing West, whilst everyone else was getting' drunk and shaving.

Nowadays, however, the world fears Islam. They command respect from all.

How did they achieve this aim.....massive overreactions of course!!

Someone does a cartoon of a Krill with a hat on? You smash them like a petrified onion! You parade outside parliament, threaten violence, launch Jihads, plant bombs, allsorts!

Someone writes a book about Krill being bad? You launch a worldwide search and then stone them to death in public!!

Now go! Fulfill your aquatic potential!

Anyway, that’s what makes me laugh about all these guys sayin' "Israel is embarking on a massively disproportionate overreaction to minor misdemeanours by Hezbollah!"

Er...hold on just one cotton pickin' minute!

So, someone draws a satirical cartoon with a picture of Mohammed meditating with a bomb on his head. This then leads to worldwide protests, violent riots, people being killed, and kids being dressed as suicide bombers!

Perfectly fine proportionate reaction. Great.

Israel is surrounded on all sides by organisations whose sole intention is to see that she is wiped off the face of the earth. These organisations then invade Israel and kidnap and kill soldiers and civilians. They then commence rocket bombardment of various northern Israeli cities.

Israel responds by attacking said organisations and the infrastructure that backs them up.

This is a disgusting breach of humanitarian law and a huge overreaction to boot!

Someone's got this all wrong.

That said, the Israeli's yesterday told everyone to get out of a village and then bombed the cars as they left. That's just being a wanker.

X